Finding Your Resilience, with Joké Hoetmer
Welcome back to this, a series by Joké Hoetmer, all about finding your inner resilience. In part one of the series, Find Your Emotional Resilience, Joké talked about the kind of resilience we’re born with. Then, in part two, How to be Resilient, she taught us about how adaptive resilience, or the kind we develop over time.
And finally, it’s time for us to hear about learnt resilience, or the kind we can learn from others.
Keep reading if you wish, or you may want to view the entire Brand Builders TV episode, How to Put your Inner Resilience into Overdrive, below.
So let’s quickly meet Joké again, and then get right to it!
About Joké Hoetmer
Joké Hoetmer, The Path to Purpose Mentor, is not only a global best-selling author, she’s a life coach and entrepreneur. She’s not afraid to have real, emotional, raw conversations that will lead to life-changing discoveries. We welcome her to the UK from South Africa, as she helps each and every one of us to find resilience within ourselves.
Let’s learn it, model it and get shit done by hearing about resilience from Joké Hoetmer in her own words.
Learnt Resilience is Lasting Resilience
The final type of resilience is learnt resilience. It’s about experiencing people who always have a cool head, like my son-in-law. Do you know people like that? They always seem to know what to do and always stay calm?
I have learnt to not overreact. I have learnt what to do in situations where I don’t naturally know what to do.
I’d like to tell you a little story to demonstrate this.
A Story about Resilience
Imagine you’re sitting on a South African beach. You see a man walking, wrapped in rags. There’s a storm. He can’t breathe because the sand is blowing into his eyes and nose. If you’ve ever been in that situation, you know it’s a horrible feeling. It’s something like in the UK or Scotland, when little mites are all over your face. You cannot see or breathe.
This storm is your life storm. You don’t keep on walking. Instead, you sit still. What I see in that storm is that man parking his camel, covering his head and sitting quietly until the storm passes.
While you sit quietly, you need to control your thoughts. Meditate. Go into who you are and what you’re here for. Go to your quiet place. You may want to imagine you’re on the beach…even though you’re in the middle of the desert. Whatever it takes, calm down in that storm.
Don’t overreact. Don’t make decisions whilst in that storm—because if you do, you will make the wrong choices.
Then, the man gets up from sheltering from the storm and realises that it’s clear. Up ahead, he sees an oasis. If he would have kept walking straight whilst that storm was raging, he would have missed that oasis. He would have walked miles and miles farther.
That means you’ve got to wait and get all those emotions, fear and doubt in check. Stop and don’t do anything.
I’m not often quiet, but when I am, that’s when I’m in a storm. I’m listening.
Big Storms, Little Storms and Resilience
I’ve had a lot of storms. Sometimes big storms, sometimes little storms. But I never make a decision in a storm. That is the learnt resilience that I’ve had. This is something you’ll grow and develop as you go along. And it’s a good thing. Because next time you’re in a storm, or next time your husband does something to upset you, you don’t have to overreact. If your child uses drugs again, you’ll realise that shouting at him or taking away his drugs isn’t going to help. You sit still in that storm, until you get clarity.
So how do we get clarity? You need to practice knowing who you are. In that storm, I can say, “I’m the camel,” or, “I’m the Arab.” The camel just does what he does naturally. The Arab will think things out. Now you’re going to do both. You have a natural survival instinct. Don’t lose it. Don’t let depression or any other situation take that natural survival.
Even I’ve been depressed. It’s not natural for me to be depressed, but I’ve been in situations where I’ve felt so stuck.
So your strategy going forward is to practice knowing who you are. In other words, set boundaries and never quit. By knowing who you are, you don’t have to be afraid to tell others how it is. Tell them the truth, these are the facts. Be assertive and say it. Set those boundaries. You will not go through this again; you are learning to listen and you’re growing through this. You are good enough to get up again. No failure is going to define you. You define you.
Find that focus that makes you unique. Find that boundary if you’ve lost it. Say, “I recognise my failure here,” “I recognise my part in this,” “I recognise my reaction in this,” or, “I am accountable in this.” Take that accountability and decide. Decide not to take it any further.
Using Resilience to Heal
Now you’ve accepted who you are, you’ve put down your boundaries and you’ve made it clear. Now you can start working toward healing.
Get your healthy habits back. Because somewhere along the line, before this storm happened or before this life happened, something was hung up. It’s like guitar strings, when one is not working well. They might go bad often, but you can’t play with a bad string. If you don’t have that divine balance, or emotional stability, in your life, spiritual maturity, physical happiness…you’ve got to get it all.
So get your physical body back. Rebuild healthy habits. Stop doing whatever is was that was unhealthy. Make that decision. Get your sleep patterns right. If I don’t get to bed at 10, I can’t get up at 5 or 6 in the morning. So I set my alarm, and whatever I’m doing at 10 p.m., I go to bed. That’s a healthy habit. And in the morning, I recommend setting your alarm, getting up and doing what you have to do.
This is essential because whatever happened in your life can change your balance and cause you to lose healthy habits. Get back to doing what is right. Your diet, sleeping habits, relaxing, etc.
Some people need to do something to relax. I once had a boyfriend who needed to run to relax. Sometimes, when he was edgy, I’d say, “Just go and run.” My son used to play squash. “Just go play squash.” I go on a walk with the dogs. Or go walk in nature. Go to the gym. Make yourself a cup of tea and have a slice of cake. Do everything in moderation, but do the things you enjoy in order to get back.
Furthermore, never ever stop reaching out. This will better enable you to step into whatever is new. This is something that gets so interrupted. We get into habits and do the same things every day. I met an elderly gentlemen, who was well into his 80s. Every day, like clockwork, four times a day, he walked his dog. Every day, the same time, the same route.
Maybe every time you go to a restaurant, you have the same meal. Change. Be a little different. To have resilience, you must embrace change. It’s okay to have habits, but you also need diversity.
Have various forms of income, various interests…don’t just watch the same cowboy movies or documentaries. Have diversity. Spend time with yourself to get yourself into alignment, to be the best version of you. Always push diversities. You can have hobbies, or go out to socialise. Personally, I find it difficult to go out and meet up with friends. But I have made an effort to reach out to friends and go out to meet them.
Reach out regularly. I reach out to three new people every day. If you are in my thoughts, I will reach out to you, and it’s always welcome. You never know what that person is going through, and you may encourage them to get out of their situation, bubble, depression…with your hope and encouragement. Plus, they might say something you need. You’ve got to do this.
We’ve got to listen to other people. We’ve got to reach out. People need people and you need people.
- Know who you are and stand up for who you are.
- Never overreact. Be quiet and wait until the storm has passed.
- Set your boundaries with people, in your situation.
- Change your habits. Make it better. Sleeping, running, exercise.
- Diversify. Don’t keep your head down like an ostrich. Because everybody can see your body.
Always, at my weakest, I have reached out to people. Somehow while reaching out, I forget my own pain because it’s not important. When you die, you can’t take money, your home, your business, your beautiful car. You can only take your life and your experiences that you have paid forward to other people. Your resilience is giving back to others who are less fortunate than you. I believe that you can bounce back by reaching out. I want to encourage everyone. This is a story about resilience you never knew you had.
Resilience isn't Just for the Strong
Resilience isn’t just for the strong. Stop looking at other people and saying, “Oh, she’s got it.”
My life has been such a roller coaster. If you follow me and read me book, you’ll see I haven’t had an easy life. I’ve always had challenges, but I’ve always embraced them. And I still have the world to be able to love and find my way back again. And I’m 70. If I still feel life is ahead of me, what about you?
If you find what you’re looking for—if you find something you like—embrace it. Follow your heart. Your heart does not lie.
You Can Have Resilience, in Every Area of Life and Business
Well, that does it for this Brand Builders TV series, all about resilience. I hope that you’ve discovered that you have resilience inside you, that you can develop resilience and that you can learn from those around you how to be resilient.
I would like to thank Joké Hoetmer for sharing her wisdom with us. And I’d also like to invite you to explore all the possibilities for resilience held within RippleFest Quest. There, you will find all the various ways you can use one drop to create a ripple and make a difference in the world. I cordially invite you to discover everything that RippleFest has to offer—I promise, you will not be disappointed.